THATS NOT WHAT YOUR MOTHER SAID, TREBEK

Sat, 28 Apr 2007 16:58:49 GMT

Frisbee + Soccer = Love, Sore Jeremy

Sun, 22 Apr 2007 06:42:31 GMT

It's over. Hope all enjoyed.

Mon, 16 Apr 2007 07:48:38 GMT

And thus, hell week begins.

Sun, 15 Apr 2007 02:04:15 GMT

Opening to Talent Show 2k7: Back to the Future:

fucking-awesome.

Thankyew, thankyew.

Mon, 02 Apr 2007 00:32:37 GMT

Rejected: Georgetown, Johns Hopkins

Waitlisted: Haveford

Accepted: Tufts, Emory, UMD-Hon

I sure did not apply to many schools. Don't know where I'm going yet, though.

In other news, Chicago was mother-bleeping-amazing. Ohhhhhh man.

Tue, 27 Mar 2007 04:32:14 GMT

Mr. Whitman Candidate, 2007. Honestly, I cannot believe it; I don't see how I could have possibly gotten nearly enough votes. Nevertheless...it shall be rockin'.

Mon, 26 Mar 2007 21:19:10 GMT

Waitlisted at Haverford. Ho-hum. (i'm sure you all were sitting at the edge of your seats)

Fri, 23 Mar 2007 21:16:16 GMT

Not going to lie, I started crying today during the assembly. That shit was pretty intense.

But at the same time, talent show. Oh fucking lord. And Chicago. Rock rock rock.

Mon, 19 Mar 2007 06:02:49 GMT

Y'know, this weekend kind of rocked, even without Boston. Cheers.

Sat, 17 Mar 2007 03:33:31 GMT

I SHOULD BE IN MOTHERFUCKING BOSTON RIGHT NOW.

Sun, 11 Feb 2007 19:42:03 GMT

GUESS WHERE I AM RIGHT NOW?!?!?!!?!

cool.

Sun, 28 Jan 2007 20:12:13 GMT

I daresay I haven't made a post in a while. But I'm bored, so I'll do so. Things kind of sucked for a while, but I think they're starting to get better.

Biggest thing that happened lately, Red Hot Chili Peppers concert! Oh em gee. Don't tell Jason/Andrew/Nora who were all like, unbelievably wowed by the concert, but I tend to agree with what I later read in the post--the concert was kind of disjointed, relied too heavily on the random jams of Flea and Frusciante (Flea is still unbereavable, and considering he used to be a jazz musician, +10,000), and whlie being awesome could have been unbereavawesome. Gnarls barkley pwned though, they're such a great band (and if you call them a one hit wonder, I'mma sock you in the nose). Buying their CD first chance I get.

Almost like, more importantly than the experience of the concert was the fact that it finally woke me up from my Talent Show rut. For like, a week, I had been actually almost apathetic about Talent Show, believing myself to be out of ideas. Which is like, unbelievable I know. But going to the concert--even though it was very video-oriented--woke me up. So now I'm like, back into Talent Show Extravaganza mood, and it's going to be freaking unbelieveable. Which I say so much, it like, cheapens it, but I just thought of like, 5 more ideas yesterday which, as I try to make it, are going to be things the audience is NOT going to expect. Hosht.

Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet.

p.s. check out http://youtube.com/watch?v=wcOabajz8I8 .

Mon, 22 Jan 2007 03:13:35 GMT

I am so friggin bored.

Mon, 01 Jan 2007 19:47:52 GMT

so to give you an idea, I slept till 2 and I am still friggin exhausted.

I wish Karen read this LJ, so I could give her a shoutout for being the other most flamboyant dancer EVER.

Anyways. Kallas' was awesome (what have I been missing for the past 4 years?), Glorewis' was awesome (and somewhat homosexual...just kidding, that was past somewhat.) (Can I talk? no.)

( ) stayed single for the whole year.
(x) kissed someone new.
( ) made-out in/on a car.
( ) kissed in the snow.
(x) celebrated Halloween.
( ) kissed in the rain.
(x) found love.
(x) had your heart broken.
( ) broke someone else's heart.
( ) had a stalker.
( ) mooned someone.
(x) went over the minutes on your cell phone.
(x) had a good relationship with someone.
(x) suffered through teenage heartbreak.
(xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx) someone questioned your sexual orientation. whooooooooooooo :D
( ) came out of the closet.
( ) gotten pregnant.
( ) gotten someone else pregnant.
( ) had an abortion.
( ) gotten married.
( ) a divorce.
(x) done something you've regretted.
( ) lost your true love.
(x) lost faith in love.
( ) kissed under mistletoe.

WORK/SCHOOL
( ) got a promotion.
(x) got a pay raise.
( ) changed jobs. (not yet....3 years going strong)
(x) waited until one day before to begin a project.
( ) lost your job.
( ) quit your job.
( ) dated a co-worker.
( ) dated your boss.
( ) dated your boss' daughter/son.
( ) got fired from your job.
(x) took an honors/advanced class.
( ) broke the dress code.
( ) jacked off/fingered in class.
( ) sent to the principles office for misbehavior.
(x) got straight A's. (first time since 7th grade! woohoohoo)
(x) met one teacher you really like.
( ) met one teacher you really hated.
( ) failed a class.
(x) cut class.
( ) kicked someone in the testes.
(x) skipped school.
( ) got into a fight with a classmate.
(x) did something you were proud of.
(x) discovered a new talent.
(x) gave the teachers a reason to teach.
(x) proved yourself an idiot.
(x) embarrassed yourself in front of the class.
( ) fell in love with a teacher.
( ) intentionally tripped someone at school.
( ) were intentionally tripped by someone.
( ) got lead in the school play. not really
( ) made a varsity team. ...I quit a varsity team...
(x) were involved in something you'll never forget.

OTHER
(x) painted a picture.
( ) wrote a poem.
( ) ran a mile.
(x) seen a live concert. (<3 st. patrick's day.)
( ) shopped at Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch.
( ) posted a blog on MySpace.
(x) listened to music you couldn't stand.
(x) double-dipped.
( ) skinny-dipped.
(x) went to a sleepover.
( ) went camping.
( ) threw a surprise party.
(x) laughed til you cried.
( ) laughed til you peed in your pants.
(x) flirted shamelessly.
(x) visited a foreign country.
(x) broke in a line of waiting people.
(x) volunteered to help out others.
( ) visted a new state.
(x) told someone you were busy when you weren't.
(x) partied to celebrate the new year.
(x) cooked a disasterous meal.
( ) drove the car drunk.
(x) lost something important to you.
(x) got a gift you adore.
( ) almost got arrested.
( ) prank called someone.
(x) saw a college football game in person

Anyways, now I actually have to do my homework, which totally sucks. And I feel like crap :(

But it was totally worth it.

Happy new year's, all. Last year was in a word humongous, but I think this one is gonna be even better.

Wed, 27 Dec 2006 03:45:38 GMT

DSL has officially spoiled me.

I'm down in florida, one phone line, 56k, and I'm dyin'.

Anyways. Miss all terribly. Mom freaking over college apps. Need to read C&P, figure out my culminating project, do my stat project, and like, do that now.

Wushgrg.

Sun, 17 Dec 2006 05:14:01 GMT

So we had a Talent Show meeting today. Suffice to say, I didn't have to scale back my design whatsoever, and I actually got a good $7-800 more than I had anticipated.

TALENT SHOW 2007 IS GOING TO FREAKING ROCK YOUR WORLD.

Thu, 14 Dec 2006 21:57:01 GMT

Georgetown University: Deferred.

Fucking legacy-seekers. (I wouldn't say that, but for those of you who don't know the story, I met with the Senior Jewish Chaplain there on unrelated reasons, and he said that early action is pretty much a legacy shitfest. So I can say that.)

DAMN IT NOW I NEED TO ACTUALLY APPLY TO OTHER PLACES.

Sat, 21 Oct 2006 00:35:01 GMT

So, I didn't realize that last post was so insanely misreadable, so uh, forget it. :o

Wed, 11 Oct 2006 04:25:19 GMT

So I've pretty much come to expect the impossible out of everyone. Which is depressing in all sorts of ways.

Anyways. I figured I'd post that because it affects pretty much everyone who interacts with me. Whatever.

Sat, 07 Oct 2006 20:24:35 GMT

So I figured out something poetic-like in the library today, which pretty much represents my life right about now.

La plus que je fais, la moins qu'il m'aide.
La moins que je fais, la plus qu'il me blesse.

It's in french so I can attempt to pretend that it's not actually me who's saying it. At least now my grasp of french is good enough so that the conjugations are (hopefully) correct. (As for grammatics, who knows.)

There's a hint in here somewhere. It's unknowably subtle, so I can attempt to pretend that I didn't actually make it.

So.

Tue, 03 Oct 2006 05:38:56 GMT

So this is going to probably be a very long thing. I'm putting it behind the cut partially because I don't want to muddle up friends lists.

The more important reason is that most of you are probably not going to read what's behind the cut. It's basically a lot of me blathering incoherently about how I'm an emo kid. Which begs the question of why I would put it up in the first place. Someone told me a lot of times to start writing, that it 's helpful. Another someone told me recently to be unabashedly selfish right now, because it's the only way I'll start feeling better. So I'm going to do both. I can't write just to myself, I just don't have it in me to do it. So I'm going to write it to someone, anyone, even though if anyone actually reads it they're probably going to look at me differently in a bad way. I do it anyways. If you actually open this can of worms, you might understand why.

Basically I'm writing this to myself but for some reason I'm putting it online. Actually you may or may not be reading this, I still haven't decided whether or not I'm going to actually post this. Whatever happens, I'm going to regret it later. That's a given, but at least I accept it.

Edit, 10/3. Hopefully, things are looking up with at least one person, if down with another. I debated about taking this down, because I've had a pretty good day today, but...I'm going to keep it up, at least for now.

Don't say I didn't warn you. If you start looking at me funny, then I won't be happy. But I suppose I'm asking for it too.

For someone who's so completely afraid of change right now, I sure as hell have changed myself. Someone--and there's going to be a lot of someones in this--told me recently of the fake it so you make it concept. Basically, you fake being happy until you actually start becoming happy.

I don't think I can do it. That's ironic. Until recently (and by recently I mean depressingly not recently) I definitely thought that it was a very simple thing to do. How seeming happy yourself would lighten up the people around you and just make everyone happier, including yourself. Now I've lived a little longer, and it just seems so insanely fake to do that. I actually just don't think I could do it. I mean I suppose I could, but I'd feel really bad about it. Which probably is why I am how I am right about now. I finally allowed myself to believe that only through being truthful could good things really come, and now I'm in a situation where being truthful is pretty much destroying just about everything.

I wasn't happy before I came to Whitman. I wasn't really happy until sophomore year, really. Then I started making good friendships, and I discovered the concept of Someone Who'll Listen To You. Heard of it before? It's pretty cliched, and most everyone has it, but it made my life better. I started off with one person Who Would Listen To Me, then I got Another, and then eventually not as strongly but still Another, and recently Another, and Another. It was with these people that I finally realized how extroverted I really am. Which was good too, because it all helped me understand myself better and feel better in general. That's really how I've been living, really. Just passing time until I can talk to someone about something I did, or happened, or something. Living to talk. Or if you want to be negative about it, living for attention.

Then about a month ago, things started falling apart. Things Fall Apart, by Chinua Achebe. That book was boring, I think. Or maybe it was good. Moving on. At that point, I lost my most important Someone. It's debatable whether or not I should have lost that Someone, but with a combination of me and the Someone it happened anyways. (Hi. That person may or may not be reading this right now, they're one of the few who would actually read this out of more than emboldened curiosity. They might also be the one I'm most afraid of reading this. Funny how that works. Things fall apart.) That's when ka started blooieing.

It used to be, I had two main Someone's. When I was having issues with one, I would go and talk with the other about those issues. Imagine that, a whole life based on the dealings with Someones. But it's true, really. I used to say one would make me emotional, and one would make me rational. That may or may not have been a good description. If you read it again letting both words go both ways, it sounds about right.

Then one of those Someones broke, and I broke with them. Just like a net, if one strand breaks, the others start feeling the heightened strain, and eventually they usually break too. I was devoid of a strand, and suddenly I was leaning on everything else.

Suddenly I started connecting with Someones left and right. The other main Someone, another Someone who I connected with but only in passing, I even made Someones out of Noones. It was crazy there, but it helped me, I think. I even started to think of it as an army. Not as the term "army," but that'd be a good way to describe it. My army of Someones, there to support me.

But really, it didn't work. For all the attention I was getting, I didn't really feel much better. I had a whole army of Someones on my side, and it didn't really do all that much, because they were just picking up the strain of the broken strand and were getting pushed to their limits.

It didn't help that instead of a me being a feather on that net, I was a rock. In more ways than one. It's been a month almost since that strand broke, and look at me. I've made some progress, but in a month? I'm the guy who thought I could always be happy, the eternal optimist and extrovert and the shining light for all. I used to be so proud whenever I'd help someone feel better. I'd devote all my attention to it. Now, I don't have to lift a finger and I pretty much do the opposite. That's a pretty interesting interpretation of how you have to work for good things.

So now the strands were really starting to get strained, but I didn't know how to stop being a rock. So they did what is only natural for the physical world. They started breaking.

First to go was my other original other main Someone. Now they won't talk to me. Next was my original "backup" (thought that has a terrible connotation) Someone. They're still there, but they're fed up and frustrated. Then there's the Someone who was always in the background but I never really connected with until the break. They're still there, but they don't know what to say any more. That's my main support, pretty much broken. That rock's getting pretty close to falling. Now I have one weakened Someone, who doesn't know what to say, and another strand who's so far removed from the situation that I don't know how they're holding any weight at all. That first broken main Someone is around somewhere too, but with them, for now I actively don't reach out to them. They're the only one I was smart enough to change for.

But I don't know how to stop being the rock.

It's getting ridiculous. I know it is. That's why my main Someone's are pretty much all gone. When I was younger, my mom would pick me up, and I would clench the muscles in my butt because I believed it made me lighter. I really believed this for many years, that I could somehow do it despite all knowledge that it was physically impossible until someone told me and I realized. I used to think I could make myself a feather. Now I don't think I can. Things fall apart. Kurt Vonnegut. If someone I mentioned is still reading this, I know you already got that.

And so, like every cliched drama queenish emo depressing goth bad dark soul death story before me, it's a self perpetuating downward spiral. But I really don't know how to get out of it. I used to believe that everything that bothered me could be solved just by talking. And it really worked. That's why I sent long e-mails to Someones in the early hours of the morning. Whether or not I got scared, 9 times out of 10, it solved something.

And here I am, writing a long Something to Anyone in the early hours in the morning. I'd e-mail it, but I don't have anyone to send it to any more. Maybe I did it too much. It took me a long time to realize that by sending such a long and heartfelt Something I really was saying here, you take on what's bothering me. Here, you deal with my problems too. It wasn't even a question, even if I tried to phrase it as one. As soon as I sent it, it was there. I guess I just did it too much. And now I'm in a place where I can't do it any more, because everyone has gotten as much as they can bare and if I do it any more those Someones are probably going to be lost forever.

So it seems I have to change. But it's hard, and that's probably why it's taken me so long, and that's why it'll probably take me a very long time in the future. I haven't changed so much yet. This, what I'm writing right now, exists, and it's a glaring monument how Jeremy Hasn't Changed. Much.

And I really don't know how to change, or if I can at all. People, Someones or Noones, keep telling me that it'll just take Time. There's only one problem. I live my life according to Time. If I don't have anything to look forward to, I close up, I'm depressed. And I haven't looked forward to much of anything in a very long time. Even things like soccer games. I spend a strangely large amount of my time thinking about soccer these days. And even when I remember that I have games on Saturdays, I still don't look forward to them. They're fun and I have a good time, but I still don't get excited about them, and I don't know why.

So there you have it. I could go on and on, but it's late and I'm tired. I'll say only a few more things.

The first is that I realize that in a day I'm going to look at this, all I wrote, and I'm going to know it's crap. And then later on, maybe in that same day, I'm going to know it's true. I'd like to say bipolarity has occurred only since the break, but it's really only been enlarged and brought to superextreme prominence. When I used to write my Somethings to Someones, I'd write them, feel better, and then go through all hell until I finally talked to the Someone and my situation -usually- got better. Nowadays it's just everything about me is bipolar. But I'm going to keep this up, just like I don't think I ever rescinded one of my Somethings, because I don't know what's going to come of it. And these days, not knowing what's going to come of what I do is the closest thing I have to hope. Jeremy Hasn't Changed. Much.

Secondly, if you're reading this, wow. There are a lot of different people who could be reading this. I don't even remember who's on my friends list, and god only knows who will find this indirectly. You are the ones who worry me slightly, because you probably don't know me all that well and you're probably going to take me to be the same as every other dark deep teenager. There's some truth to that, too. That's what scares me. Then there's the people who sort of know me but aren't too involved in this situation. You I really have no idea what you're going to think of this. Some of you I'd trust with this anyways. Some of you I wouldn't. Inhibitions are for normal people. Things fall apart. And some of you who read this are going to be Someones, and maybe the major Someone. And you are the ones who scare me the most. Because you've heard this all before, and you've already had enough. And yet I leave this here for you to find. Jeremy Has Not Changed. Part of me still hopes that you'll read this and you'll start understanding and my situation will improve. Part of me worries that you'll read this and you'll start understanding and my situation will continue to disintegrate. It'll probably be the latter. If you're still waiting, I'm not going to say "Much."

Ugh.

Tue, 12 Sep 2006 05:42:26 GMT

Ugh.

So basically, I might actually be going crazy. Or becoming an emo-kid. Whichever, I think both suit me rather well, don't you?

So I know I haven't updated this in a very long time (or at least with anything meaningful, I've fallen out of the "livejournal loop" if you will) but I felt like venting, and hey, why not do it in a public place where people can read it and see how crazy I am. Oh well, I want to write and people seem to love gossip. You're welcome.

Anyways. I am super-incredibly bipolar these days, to the point where I actually can't believe it any more. I'll usually wake up shitty, then get distracted and feel better, probably because of classes. Then I'll feel shitty again. Or normal. It's actually rediculous. And through it all, I'll still converse and laugh and stuff. Laughing really weirds me out, because I'll laugh at jokes and have fun with stuff, even if I'm in a really really bad mood. (In which case I'll be happy/distracted for a few moments, and then go back to being unhappy). And a lot of the time, it's completely random. Granted, yes oftentimes I'll be reminded of something or think of something and my mood will change, but all the time it's suddenly "YOU HATE LIFE NAO" or "hey everything's going to be okay."

And all of the ranges of my emotions are really strong, too. So I'll want to actively do something major, something consequential (really, it changes every time I want to do something) in my current state of mind, because I really think that's "how things are." And then an hour later, when my mood has completely changed, then THAT will be "how things are." And it's driving me nuts.

And, like I said, I don't even know why this happens half of the time. It just...does. I mean, I know what reactions I'm expected to have, those are normal. But when I go from "it'll all work out, just give it time" to "holy crap ARHHGHHGHGHGHHGHGHG" where I want to (and do) beat up several pillows, then I get scared because I don't really know how to feel better when half of the time, I already do.

Yeah, so I think that's my emokid "my life sucks pay attention to me" rant of the day, or at least the while. As for now, I think I'm going to go to bed soon, at least while I'm still in a somewhat all right mood.

Fri, 08 Sep 2006 02:58:27 GMT

Mlark.

Wed, 09 Aug 2006 05:08:07 GMT

Gwawrrrrrrk. Finally back at home, after twenty-one hours on the road in two days.

Wed, 26 Jul 2006 03:36:47 GMT

Off to Florida until the 10th. Gonna miss everyone, but I'll keep in touch online and the deal.

And, of course, since I know you were wondering: I'll be working on my tan.